How to Support A Friend Through Infertility
How to Support A Friend Through InfertilitY, IVF AND PREGNANCY LOSS
This a community post, existing entirely from contributions of those who have gone through infertility and/or pregnancy loss (lesson #1: infertility does not just effect women!). Thank you so much to VN, MM, SS, Ashley, Ashley and Justin for sharing your words and shedding some light on this often very isolating experience so that the next hopeful parent can feel more supported and less alone.
if you have a friend who has experienced pregnancy or infant loss, there are more specific ideas and ways to support them here.
1 in 4 couples will experience pregnancy or infant loss. For 1 in 8 couples, their decision to expand their family may not happen and/or may involve the help of others. Not having control over expanding your family is very difficult. Infertility is a club that no one wants to be in, and is unaffordable for many. It’s hard to put into a few sentences how challenging the experience can be, but for reference: in addition to the emotional tool it takes on a family, the average cumulative cost for IVF is between $40,000-60,000 according to FertilityIQ. One week of a cycle can include DAILY pelvic ultrasounds, painful injections, hot flashes, and an emotional rollercoaster.
This is a real IVF calendar of all of the minute details that exist for only 13 days of a cycle. With embryo transfer cycles, there are also almost daily ultrasounds for 2 weeks!
“Everyone struggling with infertility may need different things- some people do blog posts about every injection and some people don’t even tell their moms. Some people want to be asked questions and some people want to pretend it isn’t happening” (SS). If someone has considered you close enough to share that they are experiencing infertility, the very best thing you can do is check in and ask “How can I best support you during this time?”
Also remember that many who struggle choose to keep their experiences private, which is why we all need to be careful with questions like “When are you getting pregnant?” “It’s time for baby #2!” “When are you having Baby #2?!” or making comments about how your pregnancy was accidental or very easy.
Ashley and her husband, Justin, share about their journey of welcoming baby Kayley into their lives on Instagram. A Snowflake baby is a name for a frozen embryo.
“If standing on my head and eating ants would have helped me get pregnant, I would have done it… Going through infertility, so much is out of your control for so long” (AJ).
What NOT to Say:
Don’t tell People to Have a Glass of Wine or go out for a Drink.
“You really can’t drink during the IVF process and I got pretty sick of people telling me to just have a drink! I wish I could have!” (MM).
In Fact, Don't Offer Any Advice at All (Unless Specifically Asked)
Trust that your friend has already read upteenth blogs and books and has done a TON of research before even thinking of starting treatment. Whatever you do, do not tell them to raise their hips after sex …or how some Chinese herb worked for another friend. Don't make statements such as "Just relax, it'll happen," or "Have you tried..." or "Once you adopt, you'll get pregnant" or "It wasn't meant to be" (VN). If your old coworker or your best friend’s cousin got knocked up the second their adoption finalized; they are the exception, not the rule.
Don’t ask “What’s Wrong with you?”
If you are reading this article, you are probably not the type of person who would utter those words (so I almost left it out)… but the number of women who had this question asked of them was HIGH, so I thought to make it crystal clear: that is a cruel and rude question.
Don't Push or Pry if They cut Social Gatherings Short.
During cycles, they are on very specific medication timelines. There are so many (often last-minute) appointments to manage. Be very flexible with them and plans, especially if they change their RSVP last minute (VN).
Be understanding that they may not share EVERY part of this journey with you
Just because they told you they had X amount of eggs retrieved does not mean you should ask how many fertilized (VN). “Strong emphasis on friends or family NOT asking about details of a cycle. It’s exhausting enough to experience the ups and downs every day, let alone having to give someone the play by play. I felt bad telling friends to not ask details unless I gave them, but in hindsight, I should have been more assertive about that” (MM). See below for ways to check in with your friend that are helpful and more general.
Also, definitely do not bring up their infertility if other people are within earshot.
Mentioning you “sneezed and got pregnant,” accidentally got pregnant, or got pregnant very quickly can be triggering to someone experiencing infertility. Image from Etsy @CottagePrint.
Don't assume…
…that because your friend has grown their family through adoption or fertility treatments that they no longer deal with infertility and the emotional struggles that come with it. While they are thankful beyond belief, there is guilt, sadness, and fear that can come with thinking about bringing a second child into their home (Ashley).
Justin shares, “Friends would ask, ‘When are you having your next child?’ For us, that is a loaded question. This often sparks fear and flashbacks of the struggles we previously faced. Having another child won’t be easy. Sure, we have remaining embryos, but what many don’t realize is the planning, months of preparation, blood work, ultrasounds and medications leading up to the transfer. Then, the ongoing injections and medical bills that are associated with each transfer. The ups and downs of hormones, mood swings and hot flashes all set in, only for another chance that it won’t work.
We would like to have multiple children and the possibility of not giving our daughter a sibling weighs heavy on our hearts. After having a baby, friends and family have become a bit less careful with words. Things like, "We sneezed and got pregnant" come up as announcements are made, and it brings me back to my darkest days when we were going through such a difficult time. We find it important to remind our family and friends that even though we may have a beautiful daughter, those emotions and triggers still, very much, rest within.”
Ashley and her Husband, Justin, share all about their experience with Embryo Adoption on their Instagram.
What to Say and Do
"I am so sorry you're going through this."
“How are you recovering?”
“How are you coping?”
Listen: Do Ask Your Friend How They're Doing and How You Can Support Them
Everyone's needs and desired level of support are different. Your friend will share what they are comfortable with (and when). Know that they can call on you for support when they are ready. “Personally, the first time we went through IVF we didn't share much with those close to us, as the whole process was very overwhelming. However, I needed more support for our second round and asked for it from those that I knew were standing with me” (Ashley).
Sit With Them in the Uncomfortable.
“I’m so sorry. I’m here for you.” While it's good to be positive and optimistic, it's also very important to acknowledge that their fears of disappointment are very real and the stakes are high. By the time your friend has gotten to the point of treatment, they have endured many disappointments along the way. They are likely tired, hopeful, excited, and scared, so very scared. Consider that for some, they may not have the funds or the emotional strength to pursue another round of treatment. If a transfer fails... don't tell them that it will eventually happen. Or that they should keep trying or that the next one will work... just grieve with them and be with them (Ashley).
Offer to be Available to Drive…
…to and from appointments. For egg retrievals, it's done under twilight anesthesia. Uber/Lyft is not allowed and clinics require a trusted family member or friend. This is especially helpful since retrieval days are always up in the air and going through IVF, your friend won't have a guaranteed date and time until 24-36 hours prior (usually indicated by the trigger shot). It is especially hard to plan if their partner doesn't have flexibility with their work schedule (VN).
Offer to Give Injections
If you have any medical training, or are not afraid of needles, offer to be willing to give (or learn to give) injections. This can be a big concern for some patients and knowing a friend is willing can help reduce stress and help out logistically.
Offer to Help or Bring Food…
…near the end of the medication cycle, especially if they overstimulate the ovaries for egg harvesting, which is very uncomfortable. At that point the ovaries can be bigger than grapefruit and your friend might look 5 months pregnant. The uterus is meant to grow to that size, but ovaries are not, so it can be incredibly uncomfortable (VN).
Give grace.
When going through IVF or adoption, there is a lot of stress, emotions, and logistics. With IVF comes a lot of medications and hormones that will impact how your friend feels; emotionally and physically.
It’s a kind gesture to give your friend a heads up privately if you will be sharing your pregnancy news.
Share Your Pregnancy Announcement in Private:
THIS IS A BIG ONE. Every single woman I spoke to mentioned this.
If you happen to get pregnant before your infertile friend... please find a PRIVATE time and place to tell them and give them some space to process. Know that she is happy for you (she doesn't hate babies after all!), but pregnancy announcements can be a trigger and bring up a lot of emotions.
Once you have told your friend about your pregnancy, if you plan to announce it at a larger gathering that your friend will also be attending, have the courtesy to tell them that this is your plan. Announcing in a large group will likely lead to well-meaning questions from others. Hearing that "we weren't even trying" or "it just happened" are especially hard to hear.
Your friend will be happy for you... but depending on their journey and where they're at, they must grieve that their process is difficult and not as easy. Please show care and support and love by allowing them that privacy to process your good news so they can get to a place where they're truly happy for you and can celebrate. MM said “I requested that my friend text me first when she got pregnant (I knew she was trying), so that I could have time to process it. I didn’t want a phone call because I knew I would cry on the phone. Posting her pregnancy announcement on Instagram hurt a little less once I already had time to process it. I would never discourage someone from shouting it from the roof tops in any way they wanted to, but getting a heads up is nice” (MM).
Be sure to include them with baby showers and other celebrations but give them space and grace if emotionally they cannot manage attending. Events like these are triggers and trust that if your friend chooses not to attend, it's not you- it's them. They're practicing good boundaries and mindfulness of their emotional well being. Respect that. It's OK to be disappointed, your feelings matter too. But give them grace and know your friend would absolutely be there if they could.
“I think the best thing a friend did for me was just show up at my house with ice cream” (Erin Bulcano, @MyBeautifulBlunder).
Show Them you Care
“I got a care package from my one friend with some self care items like: a jade roller, healthy snacks, face mask, mani/pedi stuff, etc. She knew I was doing IVF, but didn’t know timing or details. The package was just an “I’m thinking of you” and it really meant a lot (MM). “I think the best thing a friend did for me was just show up at my house with ice cream” (Erin Bulcano, @MyBeautifulBlunder). You don’t have to do anything HUGE, but little check-ins or gifts can really lift your friend’s spirits.
Made By Mary has so many options for personalization. You can order a Zola necklace that reads “hope,” or get a small disc that has a heart, or a sun, for better days ahead.
Small spa items (like these from McEvoy Ranch) will pamper your friend after long days filled with medications and medical appointments.
A simple text to let your friend know you are thinking of them can make your friend fee less alone.
“I really appreciated the simple “I’m thinking of you today” and “here to talk if you need me” texts. It made me feel a little less alone and made me feel less guilty if I did need to call them to vent” (MM).