How to Really Love Your Child
My old Pastor, Mark Foreman, is the father of the lead singer and band members in Switchfoot (popular Christian band). He would often talk about his theology of raising children and it really resonated with me. He would share that if his kid was into pizza, he would start growing tomatoes to make their own pizza sauce. If they wanted to surf, he bought two boards; one for them and one for him. Eventually, they got into music and that interest (clearly) took off. He gave out this book anytime parents dedicated their baby at church. When I was pregnant with Cohen (after we moved), I called the church and asked for the name of the book and was given, “How to Really Love Your Child.”
Dr Ross Campbell has since passed away, but his succinct tips for parenting and loving your children have stood the test of time. I will break it doesn't into ‘Cliff Notes,’ for you, but highly recommend the read to any parents!
He talks about the war on our attention and how so many things in our adult life feel urgent. “We must ‘resist less important things. Control the amount of time we spend on less important areas of our lives and their influence on us.”
Eye Contact
“It is easy for parents to develop the terrible habbit of using eye contact primarily when they want to make a strong point to a child, especially a negative one. Eye contact is one of the main sources of a child’s nurturing.” He urges to incorporate eye contact into our every day interactions with the kids, including regular conversation and when saying positive things to our kids. He especially emphasizes NOT using it only to emphasize a warning, etc.
Physical Contact
“We need to incorporate physical and eye contact in all of our everyday dealings with our children. This contact should be natural and comfortable, rather than showy or overdone.”
“Premature babies who received three fifteen-minute periods of slow, firm massage strokes each day showed 47% greater weight gain than their wardmates who did not get this attention. Premature babies who were massaged also exhibited improved sleep, alertness and activity.”
I try to hold hands, rub my kid’s backs or pat their legs if we are all sitting down. Right after I click them into their carseats is a great opportunity to get some eye contact in. I try to speak kindly to them and rub their leg or brush their hair with my hand. Bedtime is also a great opportunity to rub their back and get a little physical contact in.
Focused Attention
“Focused attention is a critical need every child has. When a child feels ‘I’m all alone with my mommy/daddy, I have him/her all to myself, and at this moment, I’m the most important person in their lives. The goal of focused attention is to enable a child to feel this way.”
“To be alone with a child, free from other distractions, is what I consider to be the most difficult aspect of good child rearing.”
@BigLittleFeelings offers the “10 Minute Miracle” as one solution to the Focused Attention need.“Margolin and Gallant suggests to carve out 10 focused minutes, let your child pick a name for this special time, then give them all your love and attention. If you do this every day, they begin to expect it. By filling up your toddlers' "attention tanks" in a positive way (as opposed to lashing out), they will no longer feel a need to do those annoying things to get your attention.”
“ John Alexander, former president of InterVarsity, had a solution to focused attention that was to ‘save at least one half hour every Sunday afternoon for each of this children.”
Everyone must find their own way of doing this.
“We must resist the concept that the loudest squeaking hinge gets the oil. All children have the same needs, whether or not they demand those needs. Especially vulnerable in this regard is a nondemanding, passive child, who is also the middle child. And if siblings happen to be demanding children, parents will find it all too easy to pass this child by until problems develop.”