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When someone we loosely know or intimately love gets diagnosed with cancer, it’s very shocking and scary. We want to help. We want to be the person who says THE MOST PERFECT and helpful, profound advice that somehow makes what they’re going through SO much easier. After working with cancer patients for over 12 years, I’m going to share what I’ve heard from hundreds of patients.

Instead of saying the right thing, what your friend really needs is for you to be the right thing, which is present and willing to listen.

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.―Maya Angelou

WHAT NOT TO SAY:

• Don’t ask what kind of cancer they have: Think about it: Rectal, Anal, Breast, Ovarian, Vulvar, Testicular, Prostate… these are all body parts that are considered private. We usually don’t like to talk about our private parts. This is especially true if you are not close with the person.

• Don’t talk about your own cancer experience OR give advice unless they ask: It makes it all about you. If they have no idea you have had cancer and you really would love to chat with them you can say “I went through breast cancer treatments. If you ever want to hear what was helpful for me, please let me know!”

• “Let me know what you need”: They are so overwhelmed, mobilizing a list of needs and assigning them to people is a huge project. See below for ideas on how to help.

• “I’ll pray for you”: This can come off as dismissive and ingenuine.

• “At Least…” is never a great way to start a sentence as it minimizes their experience.

• “I can’t Imagine.” This creates a divide between you and the person with cancer. Challenge yourself to try to imagine what they might be going through.

• Don’t talk about other people with cancer: For some reason this one usually ends up with the person that you knew with cancer died (WHY would this person want to hear about your friend who died?!).

• DO NOT (under any circumstances) try to guess what may have contributed to them getting cancer (just DON’T) or, on the flip side, don’t go on about how they shouldn’t have gotten cancer “but you worked out/ ate so healthy/ never smoked/ etc.”

WHAT TO SAY:

• “I don’t know what to say.” This is ONE THOUSAND times better than avoiding your friend.

• Try to listen. It may be hard for them to open up, but if you stop focusing on what you can say that is encouraging/important/helpful and try to focus on your friend- they are going to be more likely to open up.

• The number one thing I’ve heard from patients is that their friends/family just start treating them like a cancer patient, not a normal person. Ask them regular questions like “have you seen any good movies lately?” or whatever you would normally talk about with them. TREAT THEM NORMALLY!

• Encourage them: Tell them you would love it if they called anytime, day or night to vent. Tell them you love them and are so very sorry this is happening. Tell them they are strong. Tell them you aren’t going to leave when the going gets tough.

• Follow their lead. There may be some days they want to talk about everything and other days, not so much.

• Ask specifically “Is there anything in particular you’re anxious about or that I can pray for?” (If you are religious and actually will pray). That’s a great way to find info out that you can follow up on later, “Hey! How was the MRI? Were you as claustrophobic as you thought you might be?”

• Make Specific Offers to Help: Tell them you would love to pick up their laundry and drop it off in the evening, when is a good time to come by? Tell them you are headed to Target, what is on their list? Tell them you would love to have their kids over for a sleepover this weekend. Tell them you have a certain day off and would love to help with rides. You could also make coupons with all of these practical ways to help! It’s really hard for anyone to take up another person on their offer to help, so be specific and ask more than once.

• Across the crisis continuum (health scares, pregnancy/infant loss, cancer, etc.), there is a pattern where lots of people show up in the beginning and come out strong. Then everyone forgets after a few weeks/months and goes back to their lives. It would be particularly helpful to set a reminder on your phone to check in for the coming months/year.

WAYS TO HELP:

• You can offer to be the “Captain of Kindness” and coordinate other people offering to help. You can set up appointments for people to go and visit, a Meal Train, or Go Fund Me.

• Send them cards, regularly (see above examples!) Emily McDowell Cards

• Follow up on the offerings you made for Laundry Service/ Target Run/ Grocery Shopping/ Dropping off a meal IN A DISPOSABLE CONTAINER (that’s important!)

• Visit Regularly (but not for more than 10-12 minutes unless they BEG you to stay) this goes for someone at home OR the hospital

• Bring them little goodies, or ask them if any food sounds good

• Put together a care package (see below)

• If they are having breast surgery, I adore Lime Ricki swimsuits! They have a whole line that is mastectomy friendly (i.e. they have pockets for prostheses). They are a small, sister-run business that makes inclusive, cute and comfy suits. A gift card in the mail would be the ultimate pick me up, “Sunny Days Ahead.”

GIFT IDEAS:

When I was working as a Nurse Navigator and sitting in on the appointment where my patients found out for sure they had cancer, what the treatment would be and what to expect, it was VERY overwhelming for them. A lot of patients feel that the ‘waiting and not knowing’ is the hardest part. Once they find out the plan, it feels like everything is finally moving along.

I thought if I was Oprah, what would I want to include in a tote for each of my friends starting chemo? Want to know the best part? All of these companies below GAVE ME dozens of each of these products to give to my patients. Not to gain Instagram followers, not for publicity, just in private for my patients starting chemo. This was 5 years ago and I am thrilled to brag about them now. I have never felt more inspired by small businesses wanting to help on a human level and had never believed in the good of others as much as seeing the boxes of donations rolling in.

• An Eyemask: it’s hard to sleep and this is super comfortable and helped me nap during the day. Bucky 40 Blinks Eyemask ($14.95)

• A cute water bottle: one of the top things we ask our patients to do is drink a ton of water)! LifeFactory Water Bottle ($19.95)

• Foldable Baggus: Schlepping in and our of the car, treatment, and tests means you have a ton of stuff to tote around. These bags are so cute and playful and fold up real tiny. As a mom, I live in and out of Baggus. You can wrap her care package in one of these too!

• Cozy slippers: days after chemo or surgery, you want to hang low and cozy/good quality slippers are such a great staple. (A great gift to go in on with a group too) GLERUPS. (this one wasn’t donated, but I didn’t ask so I like to think they totally would have).

• Nice smelling hand lotion: going through treatment you can smell a lot of awful things and taste can change so find a scent she likes and find her some lotion for hands, plus chemo dries out your skin. McEvoy Ranch Ode Hand Lotion (SO decadent $14)

• A nice candle: taking a bath will help her relax or just lighting a nice candle- cancer is very stressful and any little thing to relax helps! Gojo Tarocco Orange Petite (another lady named Traci started this awesome candle company near Disneyland! $9)

• Hand Sanitizer: This can be a difference of life or death. This is my favorite scent/brand. EO Lavender Hand Sanitizer Gel ($20 for a pack of 6!)

• If you know of his/her favorite place to eat you could get a gift card or a card to DoorDash, etc. 

• If your friend is having surgery or chemotherapy, a fancy pillow is REALLY helpful. Sleep and rest are so important for healing. Tempurpedic Cloud Pillow or Travel Pillow for chemo.

• Other ideas are a cute head scarf if she is losing her hair, earrings, fuzzy socks, etc. (anything to pamper her!) You can send her a little something every few weeks or bring a little something with you when you visit.

I hope the above is helpful and an informative jumping off point for you! Anyone who read this has a golden heart and the fact that you wanted to read this means you are already very well on your way to being the most amazing, loving, supportive friend or family member to someone going through cancer treatments!